Well the number one reason I haven't is it opens me up to criticism. By people who don't even know me. People who have never made mistakes in there life. Because if I write a blog - I ask for everyone's opinion?
Secondly its privacy. Social media seems to have made us feel like we need to share everything with our friends and strangers to feel like we matter.
But Its been suggested to many times and It might be a lesson for someone. Somewhere.
I was 19 when I met my ex-partner. I was not looking for anyone as I had been in and out of trouble for years and had recently moved to the Sunshine Coast to try and somehow stabilise my life. I had within a few months kicked drugs, most alcohol and finally cigarettes. So it was important to keep to myself for a while.
I moved from Port Macquarie NSW because my mum was leaving with my younger sister to QLD and although I had not lived at home for years I felt like I would end up dead in a gutter one night if I didn't ask her to take me with her.
My mother had every right to say No after the heartache I had caused her, but like any mother she had the instincts to protect her daughter and took me to QLD with her. Some would say my Mother moved to escape certain things - but that's her story to tell.
I moved in with Ryan's father too soon but paying double rent when we were barely spending a night apart seemed senseless. He had a taste for expensive things which put me off at first because I didn't feel equal. I was in the third year of my apprenticeship so my income was a small % of his.
Over time he made me feel OK with the fact I was living with him in luxury. But it was only ever OK because I always deep down knew there was a problem. The money he spent daily yet didn't own a house or a decent car bothered me. But so early in the relationship how was that my problem? Well it became my problem soon enough.
The company I was working for closed down and with almost 500 clients with great persuasion from my ex I opened a salon. It was doing well but my partners Health Food Store was not (unknown to me) the pan pharmacy recall had a great impact on the health food industry only those who had enough cash for the 6 month inquiry survived. With next to no products to sell, a brand new store and his refusal to go in and work the store on his own - he was going broke.
Looking at my stores figures he saw an opportunity and asked me if I would help him open a salon which he would put under management. I should have known it was not possible on a $14K budget and no clients. I was also soon to find out his financial situation.
So I helped him organise what he needed. Of course the week he opened he couldn't afford to hire a manager and I had to leave my store with its current staff and manage. I didn't agree with the suburb he opened a salon in - but it was not my business decision. It was a flop but he insisted marketing would get it happening.
My store slowly started to fade. With most of my clients driving to his store to see me - now both businesses were in trouble. Then he hurt his back...started pain meds and sleeping a lot. Empty Pain medication packets would be left everywhere. I'd come home after working a 10 hour day to a filthy house and a partner that still expected dinner cooked after sleeping half the day.
I woke up one morning and told him I'm not going in. It was almost Christmas and I'd had enough. I told him to shut it all down. At the time he agreed but we later on fought because I wanted him to get help. He was having a mental breakdown but in his mind he was just enjoying his life.
He agreed to get help of we left and went down to his parents in Victoria. Reluctantly I agreed.
I agreed knowing I would lose my family over this. Before i even told my Mum and anyone else I knew I would be shunned and I chose what I thought was love over my family. My mother and I fought at Christmas and we barely spoke again until....
Almost two years later I had to call my sister. I had given birth to a baby boy 4 months prior. Standing at a pay phone I knew I would have to talk to my mother to get through to my teenage sister but I had to tell her. I had to tell her my son had cancer , was very sick and I was alone.
Ryan was conceived out of fear. His father had tried everything within a few months to keep me from leaving including 2 weeks in a rehab facility. I hadn't been intimate with him for almost two years so I didn't bother with the pill. So when he came home and asked me to sleep in "our" bed again - I was scared if I didn't say yes he would think all of it was for nothing. Naive thinking but that one time - I fell pregnant.
With the phone in my hand wiping away my tears, I hadn't slept for days and my sons father after going through rehab twice relapsed while I was pregnant and I hardly saw him. This time relapsed for good - it was obvious. In my mind we were separated , I just hadn't told him yet.
Mum picked up the phone and she knew. Something was drastically wrong. The news reunited us but stuck in Melbourne I got to see her once. She was pained by my relationship. While Mum was with me he came to visit, he had spent all of our money and pretended he forgot his bank card - I pretended to believe him. I somewhat pretended to my mum that I believed him because I was so ashamed........
Of course this is in a nutshell. The things I went through with my ex partner during my pregnancy I will not write about. Its how I knew he would never recover. He was always just dependant on pain killers but this time - this time he lost his mind.
We were eventually able to go home for a while. It didn't last long. The day I left him he locked himself in the bedroom and said he was going to commit suicide. Luckily I was already pre-prepped by the great staff at mental health Victoria who told me he would do this.
He never found it again and he died from a drug overdose years later when Ryan was 6. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and pain for both him and my son. I also feel relief. Relief that whatever torment he had for himself and planned for others - including my son will never unfold.
Depression and mental help is out there. But the person has to help themselves. I couldn't call these numbers for the rest of my life. But if your the person that needs help then don't let yourself and your loved ones suffer like they have in this situation. Call your nearest mental health service and get help ASAP and take control.
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/178-depression
